: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
