My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
