normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
