oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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