did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
