what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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