you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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