My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
All I want is dick and wine.
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