He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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