If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
