u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
