I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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