we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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