if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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