Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
