I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
