Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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