In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
