I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
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