I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
