I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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