Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
