I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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