this boner is exhausting
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
