my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
