Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
