Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
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