In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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