He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
