yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
