We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
