i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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