Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
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