its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
