tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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