just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Come back. Shots need mouths.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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