It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
