wanna go halves on a baby?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
