just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize
