I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arbyβs curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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