This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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