He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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