I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
