vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
