btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
