I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
