You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
not ubering you a puppy
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
