just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
