I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
