I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
