I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
