shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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