my sisters under your porch take her home
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
