I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
