I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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