I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
