tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
