so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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