Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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